In the first of many moves to come in his new role with the Cubs, Theo Epstein today traded the inexplicably popular old-timer G. Heileman to the Red Sox for the highly rated Samuel Adams.

“The Cubs 100-year hangover has to end some time, and moving G. will go a long way toward that end,” Epstein said. “I know he’s an old-style player and the fans can’t get enough of him, but his numbers have been pretty flat and quite frankly, I’m tired of the headache.”

In return for canning Heileman, the Cubs would appear to have received a major upgrade in Adams, who shot up the draft line and became a fan favorite not only in Boston but around the league.

“I’ve known Samuel a long time. He’s got a good head on his shoulders and some complexity to his character. His ability can be just intoxicating to watch, and for a pint-sized player he’s got some real hops out there in the outfield as well,” Epstein said. “Samuel was a longshot when he first came up, but now I wish I could bottle his enthusiasm.”

After a predictable outpouring of fond farewells for Heileman, Adams has quickly generated quite the buzz among the Cubs faithful. Said season ticket holder Dan Spankler, “I heard he’s best as a pitcher, but now is slated for the outfield. Sounds like he’s sticking his neck out a little bit, but I’ll take a long neck Samuel Adams over that no-good gangly tall boy Heileman any day. That guy just left a bad taste for Cubs fans.”