After a loss marred by excessive turnovers, Rex Ryan announced that he will transition the New York Jets to a Ravens-style “All Defense Offense.”
“I invented the All Defense Offense,” Ryan declared. “I won a Super Bowl ring with the All Defense Offense. I made it work in Baltimore, and I can make it work here. Sunday’s game was a wake-up call. My former team kicked my butt with the defense-offense that I invented. You think Flacco could’ve beat us? Come on. It was all ‘D.’ It was the defense I built come back to bite me. That won’t happen again. I’m going back to my roots, and this time, I’m going all in.”
Ryan then announced he would no longer field offensive players at all.
“I have a lot of good players,” Ryan explained. “But they’re all on defense. Look at my offensive line, look at butter-fingers Sanchez. What am I supposed to do with that? The only thing those jokers are good for is keeping the bench warm. On the other hand, Darrelle Revis can do anything. In my new scheme, he’s going to do everything. He’s going to play cornerback and quarterback. From now on, I’m only putting my defense on the field.”
When reporters pushed further in an attempt to understand what such an offense might look like, Ryan was quick to cite rugby as an influence.
“When we’ve got the ball, we’re just going to have defensive players handing it off to each other. When they’ve got the ball, we’re going to crush them,” he said. “It’s going to look like one big rugby scrum. The All Defense Offense is our best chance to reach the postseason.”
Asked for comment, Jets QB Mark Sanchez seemed more focused on pursuits other than football.
“Hey man, is your sister still around?” Sanchez asked a local fan. “I had a great time at her prom. She really knows how to get down, if you know what I mean.”