Following his team’s sloppy, poorly coached 34-29 victory against the Carolina Panthers, Lovie Smith was sentenced to 18 hours of Clock Management training.

“Despite seven seasons as a head coach in this league, [Lovie] Smith has no idea how to manage the clock,” said an NFL official. “The guy uses timeouts like they’re going out of style. Well, they’re not. And he has to learn that.”

Smith, who regularly takes three hours to make decisions that most coaches can handle in a matter of seconds, wasn’t sure what to make of the news.

“Timeouts? Which game are we talking about? Where am I?” he said, still standing on the sideline at Soldier Field hours after the game, staring off into space. “I’m going to have to think about this a bit longer. Does anyone know if we should kick the field goal here? Wait – let’s go for it!”

Heckler George