Just a few days after Boston’s shocking September collapse, the Cubs have swooped in and hired three beloved Red Sox figures: Theo Epstein as GM, Terry Francona as manager and Ted Williams’ head as hitting coach.

To the normal person, the first two seem logical, while the third remains puzzling. Not so, say the Cubs.

“Ted Williams was one of the greatest hitters of all time,” said a team source. “Who wouldn’t want to get in there and see what that brain has to offer?”

Few Cubs were available for comment, as they have been on vacation since early May, but when asked, Kerry Wood responded, “Maybe we can get Ron Santo’s toupee to play third.”