If anyone doubted the NFL was serious about the new ban on fake injuries, commissioner Roger Goodell put that issue to rest when he personally administered polygraph tests to several players suspected of breaking the rule last week.

“Deon Grant was indeed lying,” said Goodell, who suspended the Giants safety for six games. “Luckily I worked homicide before signing on to run the NFL, so I know a thing or two about people trying to juke the polygraph. But the polygraph doesn’t lie.”

Thanks to Goodell’s prowess with lie detectors, the league sidestepped a possible showdown with the Player’s Union regarding a rule that, on its face, seemed unenforceable and extremely problematic.

“At first I thought there was no way they could tell if we were faking,” said one player. “But now it’s like ‘oh man, random polygraph tests.’ You can’t beat that thing with someone else’s piss, can you?”

Goodell estimates he will test 50-75 players per week.

Heckler George