Instead of hiring outsiders to run the front office and manage the ballclub, the Cubs have decided to promote from within by naming slugger Alfonso Soriano the first Player-Manager-GM in franchise history.

“It’s been clear for a while now that Alfonso is vastly overpaid for his mediocre contributions on the field,” said owner Tom Ricketts. “So we decided to kill three birds with one stone and see if he can earn his keep by playing, managing and, uh, GM-ing.”

A lot will be expected from Soriano in his new role, from driving in 60-70 runs to managing the team to 60-70 wins to overpaying for free agents by 60-70 percent.

“We find this 60-70 range to be commensurate with what we’re accustomed to anyway, so if he can do all three roles in that numerical ballpark, we feel it’s worth $18 million per year,” said Ricketts. “I have faith he can make it happen.”

Soriano was unavailable for comment, but is said to be extremely excited about still somehow being able to earn $54 million over the next three years.

Heckler George