Did you know the average tray of ballpark nachos contains a heart-wrenching 1,700 milligrams of sodium? That’s an entire day’s worth of salt in one snack! Figure in the saturated fat and cholesterol, and it’s a wonder anybody leaves the stadium alive.

That’s where we seagulls come in.

As Carlos Zambrano was recently forced to tell his teammates because they’re a big bunch of crybabies, “we’re all in this together.” So go ahead, let your feathered friends take care of some of that sodium. If you’re willing to only eat half the tray, we’re willing to suffer half the artery damage.

And if you consider we’re like 1/50th your size, we’re really taking one for the team! Half a tray of nachos is 5,000 times our recommended daily intake of carbs! With health care costs continuing their upward climb, you’d be better off not finishing that tray of death chips.

We gulls have universal health coverage anyway.

Speaking of coverage, we’re not even gonna mention your pants. Which do seem barely able to cover your entire butt these days.

But it’s not about that!

We. Want. To. Help.

Trust us: we’d rather be eating bugs, worms and the odd mouse. But if devouring a ton of stale sodium rounds means keeping fellow Wrigley Field fans in good health, we’re willing to make the sacrifice.

We are the Wrigley Field Seagulls. And we are here for you.

(By the way, pizza crusts have ungodly amounts of cholesterol, in case you’re wondering)

Wrigley Field Seagulls