When the Cubs reacquired Reed Johnson this off-season, they hoped the outfielder would infuse some scrappiness into an otherwise comatose clubhouse. Instead, the team has found that Johnson, who was known for making diving catches against the bricks and ivy with reckless abandon in his first go-around on the North Side, has morphed into all-sock and no scrap.

“As I’ve gotten older and seen my baseball skills erode, I’ve been able to offset the disappointment by developing other skills like pulling my Cubbie blue tube socks way up over my navel,” said Johnson. “Just last week, I stretched my left one all the way up past my nipple. It was really something.”

Several of Johnson’s teammates have tried to emulate his high socks look, but haven’t been able to pull it off nearly as well as the veteran outfielder.

“I tried to pull my socks above my knee last week to look like Reed, but I tripped and sprained my ankle,” said Aramis Ramirez. “Now that I’m injured and out of the lineup for the next two months, I will work really hard at perfecting the high-socks look. I can’t wait to show all my fans the new ‘Rami.”

By Jeremy Barewin. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte

Jeremy Barewin