Amid cries from fans and media about the unexplainable nature of a coin flip to determine home court advantage throughout the NBA playoffs, Commissioner David Stern has consulted with other league officials, and the NBA brass have decided to change the methodology of the tie-breaker system should the San Antonio Spurs and Chicago Bulls finish the 2010-11 season with the same record.
“Looking back on it, we see now how a coin flip wouldn’t be fair to either team,” said Stern. “After debating a wide range of solutions, the league has decided that, in the event of the Bulls and Spurs sharing the same regular season record, home court advantage throughout this year’s playoffs will be determined by the winner of a muay thai cage match between Brian Scalabrine and Matt Bonner.”
Scalabrine and Bonner are both gingers and thus possess special powers unique to only their pasty, almost translucent kind, according to league representatives. Besides the ability to shape shift and repel females at a massive rate, many gingers are bred in Southeast Asia to become martial arts experts. As they have little need for sunlight, they often thrive in dank underground training facilities, making them perfect for rigorous muay thai training.
“He will die by my hand,” boasted Scalabrine upon hearing the news. “I have consumed many a soul in muay thai and shall relish in absorbing Bonner’s into my body when it exits its current temple.”
Bonner could not be reached for a response immediately following the league’s decision, as he was reportedly reconvening his old resistance exercises using live steer from a farm outside San Antonio as well as honing his “Kradot sok” or “mid-air elbow strike.”
“He will not meet a Bull worthy of my skills,” scoffed Scalabrine, who also is known for his prowess in Baritsu and titian culinary arts. “I expect a worthy adversary. I am confident, though, that I will still emerge victorious for my team. Two ginger enter. One Bull leave.”
No word yet as to where the match would be held, though there are rumors that Bulls center Joakim Noah has been approached about hosting it in his large and lavish hookah chamber.
By Tim Baffoe