In his first season with the Cubs, Marlon Byrd impressed fans and team brass with his determination, hustle and impeccable work ethic. A full off-season working with deposed BALCO founder and convicted drug felon Victor Conte has gotten Byrd’s juices flowing even more this spring.

“Vic gave me some new shit last month and I’ve been on the go ever since,” said Byrd, in between 400-pound dead lifts. “Outside of all the back acne and the fact that my testicles have shriveled to the size of raisins, I feel great.”

Several Cubs veterans, including Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano, were dismayed to see their teammate running around like a jackrabbit, while they lounged in lawn chairs near the visitor’s dugout.

“I hate that guy. He is giving us all a bad name,” said Ramirez. “He not only runs hard to first base but around the entire bases. Plus he still gets all the good drugs … I mean supplements that I can no longer find in the Dominican Republic.”

By Jeremy Barewin

Jeremy Barewin