Top Sellers of 2011
1 – Miguel Cabrera brand scotch 1,203 bottles/day
2 – A-Rod brand popcorn 999 boxes/day
3 – Patrick Kane Kologne 898 bottles/day
4 – Albert Pujols giant size money clips 834 units/day
5 – Charlie Sheen prostitute burial kit 767 units/day
New NHL Scoring System for 2011-2012
Win 10 points
Shoot Out Win 8.2 points
Shoot Out Loss 5.6 points
Double Shoot Out Tie 3.3 points
That Rare Loss in Regulation – 23 points
Injuries/Deaths per Contest Average
1 – Lions vs. Christians 35
2 – NFL game 22
3 – Chess match 19
4 – Soap Box derby 13
5 – X games, any one where motorcycles fly straight up 12
Cubs Hall of Famer Ernie Banks, By The Numbers
Rookie of the Year awards won (all-time record) 5
Times he was tired, rested the second game of a double header 15
Home Runs 512
Optimism average .987
Time mistaken for Ronnie “Woo-Woo” 23
NBA Awesome Percentage Leaders, February
1 – Derrick Rose, CHI .876
2 – Blake Griffin, LAC .860
3 – Laker Girls, LAL .845
4 – Shaq’s Man Boobs .766
5 – Heat Big Three .745
By Patrick Olson