After completing three months of conventional anger management training with a psychologist last fall, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano was further advised by his faith healer to visit the calm and cleansing desert.

“Mr. Zambrano must forgive himself,” said faith healer Sunny Silverstein. “He must lose his hubris while wandering the desert. He can try to run. He can try to hide. But he must break on through to the other side.”

Two days later, Arizona state trooper James Frankfort found a dehydrated Zambrano wandering alongside the road near the Gila River Reservation outside of Phoenix.

“He assaulted a protected Sonora cactus which he said was heckling him. He kicked a defenseless pack of ground squirrels that he kept calling the bullpen,” said Frankfort. “He appeared to have taken some type of hallucinogen … most likely peyote or 4Loco.”

Cubs management has warned they will not tolerate the rage and outbursts from the veteran pitcher in the new season.

“We need Zambrano to become one with the team. Calm and cool,” said manager Mike Quade. “I’ve asked Geovany Soto to prompt Zambrano on some methodic lamaze breathing if things start to spin out of control.”

By Marci Rubin