The never-popular yet consistently-shown ESPN segment Sport Science recently exposed one of Major League Baseball’s more common myths, proving once and for all that White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko is, indeed, faster than most infants.
“Mr. Konerko topped off at 4 miles per hour last season,” said Sport Science host John Brenkus. “We found that most infants rarely move faster than 3.93 mph.”
Upon hearing the news, skipper Ozzie Guillen seemed encouraged.
“Oh, [expletive deleted] good!” said Guillen. “That means between Konerko and that [expletive deleted] slow lumberjack we have at DH, one of them can outrun a kid that is still eating from his mother’s [expletive deleted].”
By Tim Butterly. Photoshop by Kurt Evans.