Sammy Sosa was traded to the Baltimore Orioles in 2005 after the Cubs had finally sickened of his “me first” attitude and penchant for striking out when it mattered the most.

As he remains shunned by the Cubs organization, and despised by fans and baseball writers alike, Sosa has made it his mission in life to get back into the good graces of baseball. Unfortunately, he hasn’t done much to improve his image.

In a petulant effort to stick it to the Cubs for their continued banishment, Sosa is now holding his own fan convention, hoping to steal fans and publicity away from the Cubs during their big weekend. While the Cubs Convention will be happening in the beautiful Chicago Hilton, Slammin’ Sammy’s Who Needs the Cubs Convention will be taking place the very same weekend at a Motel 6 in Gary, Indiana.

“I want to prove that the Cubs need me more than I need them,” said Sosa to the five bloggers he paid to attend his convention. “And I also want to show kids that playing for yourself and not for the team is the real way baseball is supposed to be played.”

Sosa is hoping for a big turnout so he can explain his side of the story, reconnect with fans, and pass on his useful knowledge to Little Leaguers throughout Chicagoland.

The convention will include such informative panels as how to cork your own bat, how to alienate yourself from a clubhouse, where to properly inject steroids, how to fake not being able to speak English, and how to bleach your face without damaging your eyes.

“When the Cubs see all of their fans at my convention, they’ll be begging for me to come back into their organization,” said Sosa. “And if they’re lucky, I’ll think about it.”

By Michael Kloempken | Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Michael Kloempken