As fans anticipate the 2011 Cubs Convention, the city is taking precautions in preparing for the annual onslaught of hopeful Cub enthusiasts. Measures being taken to guarantee fan safety include the delay of beer sales until 6 a.m. instead of the usual 5 a.m., enforcing a strict “pants required at all times” policy, and ensuring extreme Cub fanatics are kept at bay — including recently retired skipper Lou Piniella.

“We just can’t take a chance in letting a man that took naps and drank margaritas during games into this convention,” said owner Tom Ricketts.

Ricketts confirmed a notice was sent by the Chicago Cubs organization two weeks ago prohibiting Piniella from attending all Cubs Convention events. If Piniella is spotted on site, it would result in his arrest and sentence to concession stand duty during Chicago White Sox home games for an entire season.

“I don’t know why I’m being put on the Cubs Convention no-fly list,” said Piniella. “I’ve shown nothing but love and understanding for this pitiful baseball team when nobody else in the world even cared about them. I didn’t even get a Christmas card from the Cubs and I sent Tom Ricketts a damn singing Santa-gram in a hula skirt.”

“It’s a shame how Lou is being treated after all these years,” said Cubs pitcher Jeff Samardzija. “The dude is a little crazy at times, but he’s tolerable when he’s medicated with a drink in his hand. At least he got a damn notice banning him from the convention. I wasn’t even invited to the convention because nobody in Chicago knows I still play for the Cubs.”

By Morgann Spicer

Morgann Spicer