It’s been said that “pitchers and catchers report” are four of the greatest words a baseball fan will ever hear. But if you’re a Cubs fan at the convention, there’s another four-word phrase uttered every year that will warm your heart: “Cubs optimistic about chances.”

The downside is that 20 minutes later you take a good look at the Cubs’ roster and another four words take hold in your mind: “Are you kidding me?” So enjoy your brief bout of unfounded optimism and get ready to make some money with Pete. Let’s gamble!

74% – Chances that you’ll misidentify that former Cubs player in Kitty O’Shea’s after your 8th Bud Light

2% – Chance that the player corrects you before you buy him that beer

February 23 – Date that ESPN releases John Kruk from hibernation

97% – Decrease in the number of times that Tom Rickets will be mentioning the Wrigley bathrooms this year

288 – Number of audition tapes fans will hand Pat Hughes during the convention

4 – Cases of Wild Turkey Len Kasper has delivered to his suite as part of his contractual agreement to attend the convention

379 – White Sox fans that bought tickets for the convention just to taunt Cubs fans

379 – White Sox fans that will mistakenly go to the O’Hare Hyatt and wonder why foreign tourists aren’t responding to repeated “Cubs suck” chants

Giles Tellum