As Patrick Kane returns to action this week, the Hawks star has decided to “really go nuts” after not playing for most of December.

“I was thinking I might get one of those cakes with a stripper inside of it,” an oddly reflective Kane told the press. “But then I worried that I might forget she was in there, and things could get messy.”

Other ideas floated by the forward include a champagne fountain, body shots, and an underground fight club.

“I want this to be something really crazy, way more than anything last year. I mean, after I beat up that cabbie, it was really downhill for my year in scandals. Being shirtless in a limo isn’t that bad, and my mullet was more funny than anything else,” said Kane. “I want people to go, ‘wow, this kid needs adult supervision’ as I’m returning to the ice.

Kane remains undecided about his scandal as of this time, but he told members of the press that, “Oh, it’ll definitely be crazy. You’ll have plenty to write about after I’m done planning this thing, don’t you worry.”

Jeff GoodSmith