The Bears clinched the NFC North with a convincing win over the Vikings behind a punishing defensive assault at the frozen TCF Bank Stadium. Surprisingly, key members of the team showed mercy to someone, albeit their own coaching staff, when they refused a traditional celebratory Gatorade shower of Lovie Smith and his cohorts as the clock wound down on their 40-14 victory.

“Normally we’d be all about it,” said Brian Urlacher. “Dumping Gatorade on Lovie in that weather would have been more damaging than hitting him with a huge sack of pennies, which ironically is what we’ve got planned for him at our next practice.”

There was a shocking turn of events hours prior to the game when Brett Favre was announced as  Minnesota’s starting QB. The great one was not expected to play after injuring his shoulder two weeks ago but apparently this was the first time Favre said he wasn’t going to do something and did it anyway. The Bears defense and Favre’s remaining eight supporters were thrilled. Unsurprisingly, the cyber-harassing  gunslinger got knocked out of the game early in the second quarter by rookie Corey Wootton. Some guy named Joe Webb replaced Favre and played exactly how you expected him to play.

The Bears defense was solid, Jay Cutler only wet himself on a couple of occasions and Devin Hester set an NFL record with his 14th punt or kickoff return of his career. The Bears’ win makes Cutler a champion at something for the first time since a cribbage tournament he won while volunteering at a retirement home in junior high.

The Good
Cutler’s three TDs redeemed himself after last week’s dreadful performance. Matt Forte was a beast. The Bears defense decided to pass rush and cover the middle of the field. Hester pierced the inept Vikings special teams for a 64-yard punt return for a touchdown and a 79-yard kickoff return. Tom Brady was nowhere near the stadium.

The Bad
The Bears red-zone offense still thinks the end zone is swarming with flesh-eating bacteria, thus keeping a safe distance. A JaMarcus Webb holding penalty nullified a Devin Aromashodu TD catch in the second quarter. Fittingly, on the next play Cutler gifted a rainbow interception that Vikings cornerback Asher Allen nearly had to fair catch. Major Wright got called for a bogus pass interference penalty, a call made more embarrassing for Wright when replays showed the ball bouncing off of his facemask from five different angles in high definition. Jon Gruden’s driver did not get lost on the way to the game.

Long-snapper Patrick Mannelly has played a team-record 203 games. He has secured himself a lucrative post-NFL career peddling used cars on television in the Chicagoland area for decades to come.