This week, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced the league was planning to begin the regular season “sometime soon.” The commissioner spoke at a press conference via Skype from his beachside hotel in the Bahamas.

“The NBA is looking to begin the regular season sometime in the near future. We were initially planning to have things going already,” said Stern. “But the players insisted they wanted to mess around for a couple months before they had to play 82 games of lazy, defense-free basketball, striving for the bare minimum with the sole goal of simply making the playoffs, at upon which time they will actually start to play basketball at a professional level.”

The announcement was met with much criticism from the NBA Players Association.

“The players require at least a couple more ‘bull-[expletive deleted] scrimmages’ before they’re willing to go through the trouble of half-assing a regular season game,” said Players Association Executive Director Billy Hunter.

Stern was unavailable for response, but his secretary confirmed that he would be available to the media “once everybody around here finally gets their [expletive deleted] together.”

By Drew Adams