Citing the need to make the sport safer for its players, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced a controversial new step in the fight against the “culture of violence” afflicting pro football.
“Thanks to our historic partnership with DirecTV, we now have the ability to track and fine any television viewers who replay illegal or even borderline hits using DVR technology,” said Goodell. “The idea that someone would take pleasure in violent collisions is completely contrary to what this league is all about. This culture of ‘tackle porn’ has got to stop.”
Goodell said first-time offenders will be fined $1,000. Repeat offenders may be subject to imprisonment or lifelong fan suspension.
“That entails a special tracking chip implanted in their heads that prohibits NFL football from being played on any TV or digital device within 30 feet of the individual,” said Goodell. “With or without the NFL’s express written consent. With or without, I say.”
In addition to the fans at home, ticketholders are also affected. If a fan is caught cheering or “taking general delight” in a violent collision, that person may be removed from the stadium. Extreme displays of excitement could warrant season ticket revocation and up to 50 hours of sensitivity training.
Response to the new rules has been positive among the 514 people who still consider themselves NFL fans following the announcement.