When the Blackhawks received their $30,000 Stanley Cup championship rings late last month, the entire team was left speechless, except for one player. Patrick Kane, as blunt as ever, was disgusted with the recent addition to his “bling” collection.

“What the heck else was I supposed to do with a big, bulky ring like this?” asked Kane, who reportedly lost the championship belt former teammate Dustin Byfuglien gave him during the team’s victory parade in June. “I’m perfectly happy with the 100-oz. crystal beer stein I bought from Tiffany’s after we won the Stanley Cup. You can’t drink out of a ring!”

When asked what he did with the ring after the ceremony during this week’s practice drills, Kane’s explanation was to the point but made little sense.

“I pawned it for booze money,” said Kane. “I also paid back all the cab drivers I missed during the ticker tape parade back in June.”

Team captain Jonathan Toews reluctantly defended his teammate’s actions and only shook his head in disgust when asked about Kane’s reaction.

“He really can’t help it,” said Toews, whose nickname is Captain Serious. “He’s been partying since June, but I’ve arranged for John Scott to knock him out this week during practice to bring him back to reality.”

Coach Joel Quenneville backed up the captain’s decision and said “Operation Reality Check” was in full swing and that Scott will be used to bring several teammates back to reality that were still left in “party mode” from the Stanley Cup finals this past June.

“You bet John is ready,” said Quenneville. “Look at his penalty minutes. He’s a professional. Next week is Marian Hossa’s trip back to reality. We just caught him skinny dipping in Buckingham Fountain drinking champagne out of the Stanley Cup.”

Morgann Spicer