The Bulls secured a large piece of the coveted Mormon fan base with the signings of former Utah Jazz players Carlos Boozer, Kyle Korver and Ronnie Brewer. Bulls brass are counting on increased revenue streams with such promotions as “Bring your Wives Thursdays” and “Chocolate Milk Tuesdays.”

“Mormons are an overlooked source of revenue in sports due to their penchant for abstaining from alcohol and general desire for modesty,” said Bulls GM Gar Forman. “Typically those traits don’t mesh well with professional sports, but we feel the Bulls provide sensible family entertainment that caters to one’s more unique religious beliefs.”

Forman might not have history on his side. Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon religion, was murdered in Illinois in 1844. It is possible Mormons may not take kindly to a return to the scene of the crime.

“The past is the past,” said Forman. “Illinois and the Chicago Bulls are now extremely accommodating with high moral fiber. We successfully ran that gambling and womanizing Michael Jordan right out of town. That speaks volumes to our commitment to ethics.”

These ethics seem to be only a six-day per week commitment. Mormons are forbidden from attending sporting events on Sundays and the Bulls have already christened Sunday home games “The Bulls’ Bordello” at the United Center.

From The Heckler’s Sept./Oct. issue by Jimmy Juliano. Click here to subscribe today!