After yet another series defeat to the Twins, the White Sox are left wishing they could go back in time and do things differently against their hated rivals.
As it turns out, one member of the team has that ability, but he says changing the results of games is not a priority when traversing the space-time continuum.
Ever since he was punched in the face by former Cubs catcher Michael Barrett, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski has been able to travel through time.
“It’s like something in my head was knocked loose and the next day I could jump through time,” Pierzynski said. “It’s like that movie, ‘Time Traveler’s Wife,’ um, which, of course, I only saw because I was on a plane.”
Pierzynski acknowledged that it’s a bit awkward once people find out about his special gift. Most of the time people ask him why he doesn’t go back and change the world for the better. Maybe he could prevent the Holocaust, or travel to the future to find the cure for cancer. Pierzynski has laughed off these requests, claiming he has something far more important on his agenda.
“People say I should use my powers for good, but I ask you, what’s better than a sweet peroxide blond haircut?” he asked. “I go back to 1996 all the time and get these tips frosted, grab a Pantera CD, and do some sick grinds on my roller blades.”
His teammates understand where he’s coming from, and the fashion tips he brings back from bygone eras are much appreciated.
“I came back one day and I was like, ‘Guys, chicks really hate goatees … NOT! They totally love them!’ and after that, Paulie (Konerko), (Scott) Linebrink, and Mr. (Bobby) Jenks have been sporting those beards. They’re dope as hell!”
By David Dexter