Cubs brass has already made significant progress in its ongoing managerial search, narrowing the candidates to a group of primates or a Magic 8-Ball. Both options present tremendous upgrades from the likes of Lou Piniella, Dusty Baker and other unmentionably horrid regimes.

“On one hand, you have a room full of monkeys, and boy do they have a lot of spirit,” said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “They are literally chomping at the bit. Our people say the primates have the ability to reason, which will be helpful when it comes time to call that critical double-steal or squeeze bunt.”

The Magic 8-Ball is a worthy adversary to the hyperactive monkeys. While lacking in mobility or capable thought, the 8-Ball has a succinct managerial style that players appreciate.

“I just shake the thing and it doesn’t beat around the bush,” said Hendry. “In the interview, I asked the 8-Ball if Mark Prior should have been pulled in the eighth inning of Game Six in the NLCS. It said, ‘Signs point to yes.’ Spot on analysis.”

Internet reports insist Hendry is reluctant to commit either way due to fears of empowering a rival species or emboldening dangerous technology.

“I’ve done my homework,” he said. “Neither Planet of Apes nor Terminator 2 ended well. But I am guessing Cubs fans will welcome the end of humanity in exchange for a World Series.”

From the August 2010 issue by Jimmy Juliano Click here to
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