Four friends hanging in the basement of Wrigleyville resident John Hobson’s house confirmed Monday night what most Cubs fans have known most of this season: The team is officially impossible to watch sober.

“Yeah, we don’t even turn the game on until the fifth inning now,” said Hobson, who normally watches the game with his buddies Skip, Johnny V. and some guy everyone calls Loogie. “We gotta get nice and buzzed up before we can take them.”

While it’s a known fact that most ticket-holders are at least four or five beers deep before heading into Wrigley Field for games, this squad has taken losing to new levels, forcing fans like Hobson and his boys to buy an extra 18-pack of Old Style just to get through the game these days.

“I think it’s, you see, they gotta get some more hitting,” a visibly inebriated Skip said during the eighth inning of Monday night’s 18-1 loss to Milwaukee, the North Sider’s seventh straight defeat. “That and, uh, you know, they gotta get some pitching if they wanna do the win and the division is kinda gonna be tough and all …¬†” he said, trailing off. “Man, [expletive deleted] the Brewers!”

On a positive note, neighborhood bars are seeing a spike in drink sales on game days, as fans do everything they can to watch this abomination of a team.

“A lot of Jager bombs,” said Sluggers bartender Brooke Thompson. “They do whatever they can to get through the game. And can you blame them?”

From the July 2010 issue by Matthew Wood. Click here to subscribe today!