Cubs skipper Lou Piniella announced today that he would be retiring from baseball at the end of the season. The former Manager of the Year’s official announcement comes nearly two years after his actual retirement, which occurred when the Cubs were swept from the playoffs by the Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS.

Look, besides the piña coladas, steak dinners and daily naps in the clubhouse, the last two years have been really rough,” said Piniella. “While only this past week have I rediscovered the concepts of suicide squeeze and hit and run, it comes with a degree of sadness that I announce my retirement from this great organization, effective at the end of the season when we lose our 100th game.”

Several players, including Alfonso Soriano, were distressed upon hearing the news.

When I overthrow the cutoff man or turn a triple into a single, Lou just pats me on the butt and say ‘good job,'” said Soriano. “He is a great motivator and I cannot see playing as hard for any other manager. Is Bob Brenly staying in the broadcast booth? I sure hope so.”

By Jeremy Barewin

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