Even the most casual observer can see that this version of the Chicago Cubs isn’t going to win a World Series. And even the most casual observer probably has their own thoughts on the best way to rebuild the team. But what about the opinion of those that matter most? The Heckler asked some folks in the Cubs organization what they think needs to be done to fix the Cubs.

Jim Hendry, general manager
“We’re already pretty close. At this point, I’d say we’re only one more outfield bat away from becoming a dynasty next year.”

Lou Piniella, manager
“Like I give a [expletive deleted]. I stopped giving a [expletive deleted] a year ago.”

Wally Hayward, VP of Marketing
“We need more corporate artwork. I’m talking to the people at McDonalds about putting up the golden arches in right field. And if anyone else has the money, I’m willing to talk about replacing the statue of that Banks guy.”

Ted Lilly, starting pitcher
“They should trade any established player they can for prospects. And they should do it right away. Even if it means going to Kansas City. Please just get me out of here.”

Marlon Byrd, outfielder
“I’d say the same thing Lilly said, but I’d also tell management they should even consider trading recently acquired players who are signed for another two years.”

Alfonso Soriano, outfielder
“Replacing the organ with taped music before at-bats really helps. It’s much easier to lay off those sliders when C&C Music Factory is in your ears.”

Tom Ricketts, owner
“That’s easy, more bathrooms. Unfortunately, major league quality bathrooms don’t come cheap. We’ll need to increase ticket prices by about 25 percent next year to pay for them.”

From the July 2010 issue. Click here to subscribe today!