Looking to even the playing field and avoid any possible collusion scenarios, the NBA will officially award LeBron James to the team that finds a magic ticket in a candy bar. Commissioner David Stern personally placed a golden ticket inside of a Willy Wonka chocolate bar and wished good luck to fans in all NBA cities.

“Whatever city finds the golden ticket will travel on a whimsical journey with LeBron James for the next five years,” said Stern this morning on the eve of free agency. “The lucky team will win numerous championships, fork over $96 million, and replace team decision makers with an entourage of James’ choosing.”

Riots simultaneously broke out in Chicago, New York, Miami and Los Angeles as fans clamored for the elusive golden ticket. A poor boy, Charlie Bucket from New York, claimed to have discovered the prize but realized his golden ticket was for a different promotion.

“All I won was a factory tour and a lifetime supply of chocolate,” said Bucket. “I got ripped off.”

Miami Heat fan Augustus Gloop attempted to sneak into the Wonka factory to gain insight into the whereabouts of the golden ticket. He fell into a chocolate river and was sucked up a large pipe.

“We have not seen our son for six days,” said Gloop’s father. “The Heat must procure the services of LeBron James. He and Dwyane Wade would be a championship combination. Our son’s death will not have been in vain. Go Heat!”

From the June 2010 issue by Jimmy Juliano. Click here to subscribe today!