Only Byfuglien and Madden have respectible facial hair

The Stanley Cup playoffs have entered their final round, which usually means full playoff beards for participating players. Unfortunately, most of the young Blackhawks still have a ways to go on their facial hair.

“Funny, it feels all scratchy when I forget about the beard and rub my face,” captain Jonathon Toews said, fooling no one as he caressed peach fuzz, visible only in just the right light at just the right angle.

“My mom called me from back home in Sweden the other day,” said Niklas Hjalmarsson. “She said saw me on TV but could barely recognize me with my hairy face.”

After a pause, he added, “Well, okay, she didn’t say that, but I could tell she was thinking it.”

Some Blackhawks with legitimate beard-growing ability, such as Dustin Byfuglien and John Madden, reportedly offered trimmings to some of the young players so they could assemble beard wigs.

“Really, Kane says he’s doing a mullet instead, but I catch him shoving his face right up to the mirror, praying for some beardage,” said Byfuglien. “Sad.”

Not all Hawks share Kane’s dream of younger players sporting non-pathetic beards.

“Yeah, we look like a midget league team,” said Madden. “But I broke down and promised Toews I’d show him how to shave at the end of the season-and I’m not looking forward to that.”

From the May 2010 issue by John Biederman. Click here to subscribe today!