The Cubs’ $136 million man Alfonso Soriano reported to camp in Mesa Monday claiming he is only 80 to 85 recovered from the arthroscopic knee surgery he had last September, which leaves fans wondering what the hell he’s been doing for the past five months.

Since the surgery, Soriano has apparently been rehabbing in his home country of the Dominican Republic. He explained, however, that he has not yet run hard or played the field in several months, which mirrors his normal everyday performance when he is healthy.

“I can tell you for sure, that I didn’t take any fly ball practice,” said Soriano. “I am already enough a good fielder that I can hop and catch the baseball and only make 15 to 20 errors during the season. I will bring a Gold Glove back to the fans at Wrigley Field.”

Manager Lou Piniella chuckled at Soriano’s prediction.

“Look, I don’t care what he does in the field as long as he hits the baseball,” said the Cubs skipper. “If the guy can run even a lick, I’m sticking him back at lead-off. He’s either gonna make me look like a genius or a complete buffoon, but it’s my last season, so who really cares.”

By Jeremy Barewin