Slightly exaggerates episode in 2,000-word blog post later that night

By day, Andy Noland is an insurance claims adjuster. By night, he’s a bitter Cubs blogger. Regardless of his starkly contrasting roles in life, Noland has few meaningful day-to-day interactions with women he’s not related to. That all changed this weekend when Noland had a meaningful interaction with a previously unknown woman at a Chicagoland Walgreens.

“I was waiting in the checkout with a couple things in my cart, you know, the usual–Axe Bodyspray, Muscle Milk, Red Bull and Five Hour Energy–and this woman came up to me in a panic,” said Noland, whose blog is the fifth-leading bitter Cubs blog. “She said her boyfriend was double-parked and she needed to check out right away so he wouldn’t get a ticket, so I let her. I consider that a meaningful interaction with a woman, my first since grade school!”

Noland immediately went home and wrote 2,000 words about the interaction, but “sexed it up a bit” for the benefit of his readers. In his blog’s version, Noland impregnated the woman in the Walgreens bathroom, beat up her boyfriend and stole his car, and was named to the bitter Cubs blogger Hall of Fame as its inaugural member.

Noland’s post about his interaction with a woman drew nearly 300 comments, which was an all-time high on his site. It was thereby a success in Noland’s eyes, topping his previous best posts including the ones that mocked Carlos Zambrano for being fat last year, another that pontificated about where Dusty Baker stashed his unused toothpicks in 2005, and his classic post from the winter of 2007 that debated which former Cub was uglier: Thad Bosley or Henry Blanco.

“I’ll do anything for comments,” said Noland. “Because we all know that more comments equals a better post, and a better post equals more riches, and more riches equals more bitches, which is really why I got in the blogging business in the first place.”

Later this week, Noland said he hopes to have his first-ever meaningful interaction with his employer who was under the impression Noland was laid off several years ago.

By Brad Zibung, founder and editor in chief