Bears head coach Lovie Smith has been known to play favorites, but even his most ardent supporters — most of whom already work for him — have scoffed at his latest personnel moves. According to a report released this afternoon, Smith has hired Facebook friend and former high school classmate Bobby Merdell to serve as assistant head coach in charge of the two-point offense.

Merdell, who previously worked as a cook at a Texas Land & Cattle in Smith’s hometown, was surprised about the opportunity.

“I wasn’t even asking him for a job, really,” said Merdell. “I just sent him a Facebook message about being busy with work, and next thing I know he offered me a position for 100k. He said any friend of his deserves a shot with the Bears.”

Added Merdell: “I don’t really like football, but he said nobody in the organization will even notice.”

In addition to Merdell, Smith and his wife have adopted half a dozen local youngsters, who Smith plans to hire as “quality control” coaches to work alongside his son Mikal who today was promoted to defensive quality control coach. Smith’s close friend Rod Marinelli was promoted to defensive coordinator.

Sources say the first thing the new staff plans to do is urinate all over a giant Bears logo, then hold a press conference explaining why, despite 10 percent unemployment, failure is rewarded and promoted by Chicago’s once-proud NFL franchise.

By George Ellis, managing editor