Maligned slugger Mark McGwire finally admitted to long-standing abuse of performance enhancing drugs Monday, saying he wish he never played during the Steroid Era.

“Man, can you imagine if I played in the Deadball Era?” asked McGwire. “As ‘roided up as I was when I played, I’d have led the league in homers for like 20 straight years instead of only four times in 16 seasons like I did during the Steroid Era when everyone else was juiced up like me, even the pitchers.”

McGwire went on to compare his imagined greatness.

“In 1909 Ty Cobb led the entire Majors with just eight homers, and people think he was one of the best players of all time,” said McGwire. “I bet I’d have hit at least 50 that year, easy. I would have been one of the best of all time. I would be in the Hall of Fame and long gone by now.

“That would be so awesome.”

By Brad Zibung