White Sox GM Kenny Williams has always been known to make due with strict financial restrictions during the off-season. While his bargain-hunting has produced such infrequent gems as Esteban Loiaza and the second coming of Scott Podsednik, a string of recent transactions has left Sox fans befuddled. To shore up the shaky Sox defense, Williams has signed Omar Vizquel and Andruw Jones, multi-Gold Glove winners who are well past their prime.

Jones has long been sought after by Kenny Williams. While time has not been kind to the once dominant centerfielder, Willams’ level of interest has not swayed.

“I couldn’t believe I actually got a contract,” said Jones, who has battled significant health issues for several years. “Ken promised me a live-in physical therapist and lots of pain medication to help me regain my late ’90s form. In fact, I think I was in physical therapy when he called.”

Omar Vizquel has remained effective in the twilight of his career. Despite being far older than most veterans (researchers estimate he’s in his mid- to late-50s), Williams believes he can be a valuable asset to the South Siders’ infield. Or outfield, depending on how Ozzie Guillen feels that day.

“I gave him an offer that shows we want him in a Sox uniform,” said Williams. “He gets an escalator bonus if he gets in 225 at bats and unlimited codeine if he hits over .260.”

From the December 2009 issue by Marvin Venis Benjamin