While much has been made of the steroid-injecting past of new hitting coach Mark McGwire, inside sources suggest that the team has a deeper strategy up its sleeve.

“Mark is going to teach our guys to focus on either end of the hitting spectrum: homers or singles,” said the source, who wishes to remain anonymous due to his fondness for Miller Lite, a taboo in Budweiser country. “Doubles and triples are a waste of time and energy.”

Of McGwire’s 1,626 career hits, 885 were singles and 583 home runs. McGwire managed only 6 triples, though it’s theorized that some of his 252 doubles would have been triples if he hadn’t been so juiced that turning the corner at second required inhuman torque.

Of the top nine home run hitters in MLB history, McGwire has by far the lowest number of career hits, triples and doubles. McGwire has 762 fewer hits than the next lowest total, Sammy Sosa’s 2,408, and along with McGwire, only fellow juicers Sosa and Alex Rodriguez have fewer than the 506 doubles Babe Ruth legged out.

“McGwire will teach St. Louis hitters to swing for the fences, confident that strikeouts save energy for the next at bat, and if you just top the ball and it finds its way out of the infield, you can stroll down to first without breaking a sweat,” said the insider. “McGwire was only ever able to do three things consistently at the plate: homer, single, and whiff. We’re confident that he will bring our whole batting
order up to his level.”

By Bill Savage, Heckler reader and baseball expert