‘Let’s all hope I never get caught’ says Cards slugger after receiving MVPPNOD

In order to honor the accomplishments of Major League Baseball’s last superstar not yet caught in a performance-enhancing drugs scandal, Commissioner Bud Selig has created a new award. Just before the 2009 All-Star Game, Selig will present Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals with baseball’s Most Valuable Player Probably Not on Drugs trophy.

The trophy depicts a slugger in 24-karat gold turning down a hypodermic needle. The commissioner’s office released the following statement:

“We are very pleased to announce this new honor to celebrate our greatest athlete who is most likely drug-free. In fact, seeing as Pujols is our only great, possibly drug-free athlete left, we decided he deserved a special trophy just for himself.”

The MVPPNOD will not be handed out every year like other baseball awards such as Cy Youngs and Silver Sluggers. Due to the rare and special nature of the accomplishments required to earn the trophy, it will only be awarded once every 17 seasons. After learning that he will receive the honor, Pujols was ecstatic.

“This is a great day for baseball,” he said. “Let’s all hope I never get caught.”

From the July 2009 issue by Tim Weaver
hecklerbrad