Nobody else in city is worth sending

The first half of this season has been so bad for both the Cubs and White Sox that MLB has rescinded its policy that every team be represented in the All-Star Game. Instead, President Barack Obama will be Chicago’s lone representative at the Midsummer Classic in St. Louis when he throws out the ceremonial first pitch.

“I can think of nobody better than the President to represent the great baseball tradition of Chicago at this year’s All-Star Game,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “It’s really a shame that Alfonso Soriano will not grace us with his presence, but a .230 average and a .296 OBP just doesn’t cut it.”

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was incensed that none of his players were invited to represent the American League.

“Who the [deleted expletive] is this Obama?” said Guillen. “He cannot hit the ball like A.J. and he cannot throw the ball like Danks. This is complete [deleted expletive].”

From the July 2009 issue by Jeremy Barewin