African renegades demand .500 record, safe return of Barry Bonds

After attacking numerous ships along the Somalia coast, a large group of Somali pirates staged their most daring attack yet when they overtook baseball’s Pittsburgh Pirates. The Somalis are now running the entire organization while the team’s general manager, president and administrative personnel remain locked inside the team’s front office.

The Somali pirates spokesperson’s demands seemed outrageous.

“You must return to us Barry Bonds, so that the slick-fielding speedster can once again give us seasons of 30 home runs and 50 steals,” said the lead Somali pirate. “Additionally, we demand the return of Jim Leyland to once again lead the Pirates to a winning record.”

From the May 2009 issue by Jeff GoodSmith