Last week, Sox manager Ozzie Guillen expressed insecurity about his job security while speaking in the third person.

“We have high expectations this season,” Guillen told the Sun-Times. “If we fall short, I deserve to be fired, and that’s not just Ozzie being Ozzie.” After a 2-3 start, which finds the Sox two games behind the upstart Minnesota Twins, the skipper announced he’d help the team find his replacement.

Although admitting to not living up to expectations, Guillen knows what it will take to fill his position.

“Being able to insult players is a must,” Guillen stated. “I’ve found that Jenks likes to be called tubby, Konerko appreciates it when you make fun of his speed, and I like to take every opportunity to tell Brain Anderson he’s not really a Major League player.”

Applications will be reviewed until April 15, after which 10 potential managers will be interviewed. Besides being asked standard questions, interviewees will have to perform tasks unique to the position.

“All interviewees will be asked to decipher what Harold Baines is thinking, not an easy task because Harold hasn’t said a word since 1988,” said Guillen. “We’re also erecting a steel cage, and any applicant who can survive five minutes in there with Kenny Williams has a pretty good chance of landing the job.”

heckler editorial staff