Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen has never hidden his admiration for Ron Gardenhire’s Minnesota Twins, even going so far as praising them as “little piranhas” for their unrelenting smallball style of play. The South Siders split two games with the Twinkies over the weekend, after Friday’s game was postponed due to temperatures MLB officials described as being “colder than the center of Marge Schott’s black heart.”

In the matchup Saturday, the Sox got an unexpectedly good performance from spotty starter Javy Vazquez, who pitched 6 2/3 shutout innings. Felony suspect and fan favorite Juan Uribe got the offense going in the eighth with a leadoff homer, his first of the season.

The Sox secured a 3-0 victory thanks to strong outings from reliever Andrew Sisco and closer Bobby Jenks, who pitched the ninth to earn his first save of the season.

Ozzie was quick to excuse his favorite team’s lackluster performance following the game.

“C’mon, they were really close to putting some runs on the board in the second inning,” he said. “If [Michael] Cuddyer hadn’t blown it with bad baserunning, they would’ve had us dead to rights. Those guys are way better than us.”

The Twins met Ozzie’s expectations Sunday’s with virtuoso Johan Santana holding the Sox scoreless during seven innings on the mound. Offensively, Minnesota first baseman Justin Morneau brought in three with a homer off of Chicago rookie pitcher John Danks in the fourth. (Ironically, Danks’ start was the second-best for the Sox so far this season, a fact which may or may not bode well for the team.)

A Uribe round-tripper in the eighth was too little, too late for Chicago, and the Sox fell 3-1. Always proactive, Guillen offered a solution to the team’s woes in a press conference after the game.

“I’m going to call my mom in Venezuela to come here and cook for (Santana),” Guillen said. “We’ll poison him.”

As the reporters around him erupted in peals of laughter, a puzzled Ozzie asked, “What the hell’s so funny?”

Number of the Weekend: 547
Headlines of articles on this series that featured obnoxious cold-weather puns. We get it–the weather sucks right now. Thanks for reminding us all the time.

heckler editorial staff