It’s customary for rookies to perform degrading tasks until they earn respect of a ball club. Although he’s in his eighth season with the White Sox, Mark Buehrle has been ordered to carry the bags of recently-rich pitcher Javy Vasquez.

“This just baffles me,” said Buehrle. “First, Kenny Williams asked me for a pen so Vasquez could sign his outrageous contract, now Ozzie’s forcing me to pick up Vasquez’s lunch and dry cleaning.”

General manager Kenny Williams justified Buehrle’s role as Vasquez’s personal butler.

“Javy’s stuff is better than last season’s 11-12 record and 4.84 ERA indicate,” said Williams. “Buehrle may be an All-Star and have a great winning percentage, but who cares? He doesn’t have the stuff?”

Vasquez recently agreed to a three-year, $34.5 million contract extension, while the club refuses to discuss a new deal with Buehrle, a fact which stings even more considering the team’s unusual bargaining practices.

“[Team owner Jerry] Reinsdorf asked me to get his car washed Monday so that it would ‘look good for Javy’s press conference,'” said Buehrle. “It was bad enough they gave Javy my locker so he’d have a place to keep all his cash, but that was a slap in the face.”

heckler editorial staff