Even though Juan Uribe has averaged 20 home runs and 70 RBI in his three seasons with the White Sox, he’s never felt truly accepted by fans. Until this year.

“I was never really sure what it was,” said Uribe, while holding a gun to his translator. “My on-base percentage last year? My weight? Now everyone is cheering for me, and I’ve sold more jerseys than Konerko and Thome combined.”

An alleged shooting of a farmer in the Dominican Republic, and his belief that he was the victim of attempted extortion left him in the middle of a media and legal circus this off-season.

“I think the changes have been wonderful,” said Sox fan Maura Daly. “He’s raised the bar for the rest of the team.”

Since the beginning of spring training, Uribe has emerged as a leader in the clubhouse, encouraging his teammates to engage in acts ranging from minor displays of disrespect to misdemeanors and even felonies. His teammates are taking it to heart.

“I was yelling at [Brian] Anderson to hit the cutoff man, so he ran up to [Tadahito] Iguchi, and punched him in the kidney,” said White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “We’ve also been using a rock for third base, since Podsednik, well, he stole it.”

“I don’t know what the deal is with the fans liking me all of a sudden,” said Uribe, smoking a blunt and spraying graffiti on the dugout wall. “I’m just the same old guy.”

heckler editorial staff