Cubs pitchers and catchers reported to Mesa Wednesday, attempting to get in shape for the grueling MLB season. While the pitching staff will use spring training to jockey for spots in the starting rotation, define roles in the bullpen, and get accustomed to a new manager, one battle has already begun–the quest for possession of the coveted remote control of the training room television.

“I’ve been on this team for nine years,” said training room veteran Kerry Wood, already injured from a hot tub fall. “My seniority should dictate I get to choose what to watch.”

The competition for dominance of the remote in the training room would not be quite so heated if the pitcher’s preference of shows wasn’t so varied.

“Kerry’s pretty particular about his shows,” said Cubs training assistant Mike Gompertz.  “He likes to watch the reality courtroom dramas like Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, and especially Texas Justice. [Mark] Prior prefers game shows, and [Wade] Miller is big on soaps. He throws a hissy fit if he doesn’t get to see ‘his stories’ and we don’t like Wade to throw anything. It’s not good for his career.”

Already aware of these problems, new manager Lou Piniella devised a plan.

“We need to stress fundamentals this spring,” said Piniella, “like quickly changing the channel during commercials, keeping the volume at one level, and constantly checking the batteries.”

heckler editorial staff