Despite a glorious run to Super Bowl XLI and playing defense like a pack of crazed dogs for much of the season, Bears’ middle linebacker and tackling freak Brian Urlacher admits he expects to see a much different look to the defensive starting lineup in 2007.

“We started great in 2006 but by the end of the year and playoffs, our front seven was as effective as the Max Weinberg Seven,” said Urlacher. “We missed tackles and got shoved around like a bunch of skirt wearing sissy boys. Changes must be made, they will be made.”

Injuries to Tommie Harris and Mike Brown certainly contributed to the demise of the defense but Urlacher did not accept this as an excuse.

“It’s not like Mike and Tommie were making every tackle, sack and interception,” said Urlacher. “Eleven other guys needed to step up and, aside from myself and Lance [Briggs], nobody really did.”

Urlacher then detailed his plan to construct an invincible defense which he felt would only give up three to seven points in 2007:

  1. Replace Tank Johnson with an actual tank.
  2. Kidnap Shawn Merriman from San Diego and have him play in a Hunter Hillenmeyer uniform.
  3. Hire Metallica to replace Ron Rivera as defensive coordinator.
  4. Throwback training regiment, including medicine balls, raw eggs for breakfast and Flintstones chewable vitamins (fortified with today’s most easily masked steroids).
  5. More dancing, less prancing in pre-game warm ups.
heckler editorial staff