• Peyton Manning will play game disguised by the fake mustache he wears in his Sprint commercial.

• Thanks to El Nino, game time weather conditions will be 30 degrees with snow flurries.

• Bears third-string QB Kyle Orton will set a new record for body shots at Wet Willie’s.

• NBC’s John Madden shows up and tries to cover the game anyway. Half of his prep notes deal with Brett Favre’s possible retirement.

• Mike Singletary’s eyes successfully transplanted into Brian Urlacher’s head. Urlacher finishes game with 104 tackles.

• Both teams fall asleep in locker room when halftime show stretches to three hours.

• Bears CB Ricky Manning, Jr. unable to play after being arrested for beating up “dork” who was using laptop at beach.

• Thanks to a large Chicago contingency, Dolphin Stadium runs out of beer early in second quarter.

• CBS’ broadcast of the game is interrupted by Jim Nantz’ awkward marriage proposal to Phil Simms. Simms declines.

heckler editorial staff