The Chicago Bears’ march to the Super Bowl has not only been exciting to fans, but also to scales—as every person in Chicago has already put on five pounds since the divisional playoff game versus the Seahawks.

Experts say that number could increase to ten pounds by Super Bowl Sunday.

From taco dip to loads of potato salad, scores of chicken wings, burgers, cheese fries, ribs, beef sandwiches, hot dogs, pizza, chips, numerous nationalities of sausages, and anything else that can be shoved in a mouth while watching a football game has been put down at an alarming rate.

According to Dr. James Mattera of Northwestern University, people in Chicago are showing all the earmarks of a condition called “Bears poundage mania,” which hasn’t been seen in these parts since 1985.

“People seem to have nervous energy during these games and the only way they know how to get over it is by eating fatty foods and not moving for hours,” said Mattera. “It’s really quite sickening.”

In order to get people back in shape, Mayor Daley has called for a mandatory two-block walk for all Chicagoans the day after the Super Bowl.

heckler editorial staff