Saturday night’s game against the Utah Jazz marked the halfway point of the Chicago Bulls season, and if the 95-85 loss is any indication, both the team and its fans are in for some good sack time. Because ladies and gentlemen, your Chicago Bulls are pooped.


“I’m bored and tired, man,” said Ben Gordon, the Bulls high man with 23 points. “It’s hard work, all the practicing, and the games, and the interviews. I didn’t sign up for this. It’s like I’m in the Marines or something. I’m gonna lobby for La-Z-Boys on the bench so we can catch some Z’s.”


Taking their cue from Gordon’s slow-mo sleepwalking, Chicago looked lethargic throughout, shooting 38 percent from the field, committing 17 turnovers, and missing approximately 5,131 open midrange jumpers.


Luol Deng shot 5-14, and knew the exact cause of his shaky performance. “I only got 13 hours of sleep last night. At this point in the season, if I don’t crash for at least 16 hours, I’m useless.”


The Bulls generally hard-nosed, no-nonsense G.M. John Paxson decided that now is the time to coddle his team, and he came up with what he believes to be the perfect solution.


“Jammies. Flannel jammies. Red ones on the road, white ones at home. And Tyrus Thomas’s will have footies.”


Number of the Weekend: 215

Times the dude sitting behind the Bulls’ Andre Barrett yelled, “Urlacher rules!”

heckler editorial staff