Contract negotiations between Lance Briggs and the Bears broke down this week as they continue to work on terms of a long-term contract. While the two sides have agreed in principle on the signing bonus, salary and contract length, one roadblock remains: women.

The Bears have been credited with having a very proactive approach to dealing with the groupie clause of the NFL salary cap, and have gone to great lengths to make sure that one player does not monopolize its entire groupie pool.

“Lance is a great player, but we can’t commit too many resources to one position,” Angelo said. “And with Nathan Vasher and Tommie Harris coming up for extensions, we need the flexibility. We can ensure Briggs gets US Weekly-level talent, but if he wants People-talent, he needs to find a new team and reality.”

“This is a joke. I’m All-Pro,” Briggs said. “I’m tired of settling for Hooters waitresses. I demand access to the same hotel heiresses as Brian Urlacher. And I also want rights of first refusal on the entire second shift at Olympic Gardens.”

heckler editorial staff