After a pair of convincing victories this weekend, the Chicago Bulls have decided that enough is enough.

“I’m just a little bit uncomfortable with this whole ‘being good’ thing,” coach Scott Skiles said after his team’s impressive 103-96 win over the Cleveland Cavaliers. “It’s really awkward when some fan comes up to me at Northbrook Court and says, ‘You guys rule!’ My knee-jerk answer is generally, ‘We’re not really that bad, once you get to know us.’  I’m fed up with it, so we’ve decided to start sucking again.”

Luol Deng—who was spectacular Saturday against both the Cavs, and Friday versus the Raptors in a 107-97 thrashing in Toronto—noted the Bulls plan to go about losing in a meticulous, logical fashion.

“Coach has been showing us game tapes of the ’97 Bulls,” Deng said. “Watching Kornel David and Dickey Simpkins had been nothing short of a revelation. I never realized how poetic an air ball can be. And the way Mario Bennett dribbled the ball off his feet at least once a game?  C’est magnifique.”

Piping hot Ben Gordon, who as of late has demonstrated the kind of consistency that makes for a championship bench, has figured out a way to cool himself off.

“Three words, baby,” Gordon said. “Emulate Rusty LaRue.”

heckler editorial staff