In a move lauded by both women’s rights activists and trailer-park babies’ daddies, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Judge Judy, of daytime court TV fame, will become baseball’s first-ever female umpire.

“Judy seemed like the perfect choice for the league,” Selig said in a released statement. “You know, someone who won’t take no guff from nobody.”

“I’m just gonna call it like I see it,” Umpire Judy said. “If anyone tries to give me some gobbledygook in the batter’s box, I’ll just tell them, ‘Hey! Mr. Pierzynski? One more smart Alec comment like that, and I’ll put my gavel so far up your keester you’ll be dropping verdicts as soon as you squat down behind that plate. Hear me?’ There will be order on my baseball diamond!”

When Umpire Judy was questioned regarding her complete lack of baseball knowledge or expertise, she abruptly replied, “Hey! Don’t pee on my leg and tell me there’s a rain delay! This interview is over!”

heckler editorial staff